Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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