how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
