My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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