too bad you live with your parents still
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
