my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
it's like iHOP with fire
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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