you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
