I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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