why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
