Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
