I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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