My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
