that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
