I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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