Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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