I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
