Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
