oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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