I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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