a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
