I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
