I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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