The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
