So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
