just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
