college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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