ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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