Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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