I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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