It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
