you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
