I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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