Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
