please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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