For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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