you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
