You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
