He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
