my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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