Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
