I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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