i need an iv and a liver transplant
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
