I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
