Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
