it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
How naked do you want me to be?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
