did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My feet surprised me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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