I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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