my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
