I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
