Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
