Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
