Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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